this is a very intriguing piece, awesomely written

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And the pen scribbled forever more

This is pleasant but confusing. The first several lines struck me, but then I think it jumps the shark a bit. The ending is interesting, but there isn't enough there for my mind to form images - or even emotions. It's as if you started out trying to tell me something and then forgot what it was. So instead, you said, "Oh, look at the birds!"

~Michael

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You are the circus, I am the freak. [link]

Thanks, Michael, it is definitely an in-progress piece, something that I am excited about, but that I know is going to require a lot of polish before it's ready to send out. Can you be more specific about where you started having difficulty with the piece? Thanks so much.

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ameliawesome
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Sure. A girl who lost her father told me, “You always know these things.”

Everything after that is a jumble for me. The words are obviously carefully chosen: tomb/womb, cream/screaming, thrumdrone/phone. But it reads like points you want to touch on in a longer piece, if that makes sense. Some of the bones are there, but without the connective tissue. I wasn't able to follow it at any rate, and the pacing and intimacy were lost.

The eagle vs. hawk discrepancy bugged me a bit as well.

The image of the shirt being stuck with breast milk and the intrigue of the phone call had me. Then you let me off the hook.

~Michael

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You are the circus, I am the freak. [link]

Okay, this was also the point where writing the piece became more of a struggle for me, as I am attempting to relate another person's life experience. I really appreciate your thoughtful comments and am glad to know which things are working for me. I am seeing this as something that will grow into a larger piece, so knowing where I am letting go of the reader's hand is very helpful.

The hawk is not referring to a bird, I was also unsure of that reference.

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ameliawesome
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Hm! I'm with the others, I'm having trouble connecting all the dots, but I quite dig the dots.

Mostly I don't get how it starts with the wife (or girlfriend, etc.) addressing the husband about a particular day, but the rest of the piece suggests it's the day the husband (etc.) died, in which case how would she know how he described it? If it's the other possible case, that the day referred to at the beginning is like the day they met, or the last day they were together before he shipped out, then it could stand to be clarified.

Also, yeah, stars and eagles are fairly straight forward, but eagle then hawk is confusing. It makes me want to read deeper into the hawk, though my spidey sense tells me it isn't so much a symbol in its own right.

Is "empty" tomb necessary? We'll assume it's full of him and then empty when he climbs out. If it's meant to convey a deeper immaterial meaning maybe try a different word, one the reader will be less inclined to assume is literal.

Anyway some great metaphors, and the breast milk bit really catches in the brain, brings me back to the piece. I'm so glad you're writing again, Amelia.

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If I'm not writing, I'm just sitting here changing oxygen into carbon dioxide. Like a baby. A little shit and piss factory, maybe one day a man. Be a man today, motherfucker.

I figured "hawk" referred to a helicopter or a plane. I'm guessing a Blackhawk helicopter. Isn't your husband in the military.

~Michael

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You are the circus, I am the freak. [link]

Quite correct. It seemed like an easy out and this was composed for a class assignment. I'll be polishing it this weekend to turn it in next Monday.

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ameliawesome
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Here's some clarification:
The event described herein is the day Tom took mortar fire and was injured in combat. The stars and eagles refer to the mix of friendly and enemy fire, respectively, the eagles being the mortars the insurgents were firing on Tom during the mission. The hawk is a cheapshot metonymy for the Blackhawk helicopter he was airlifted with. The empty tomb on the other hand is the Bradley fighting vehicle he was climbing out of (in order to return fire) when he was injured. This same vehicle is the womb--the explosion blew him back into the vehicle and knocked him out. When he awoke he couldn't see (everything was white rather than black and I would like to express this but don't know how). As his vision returned he could see one of his fellow soldiers shouting at him, but could not yet hear.

I am glad the breastmilk bit is coming across well. I feared it would play as gimmicky, but I desperately hoped it wouldn't be.

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ameliawesome
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